Bad mood… Be warned

*Disclaimer – this particular post will include some bad language as it was written in a bad mood. As well as some potential and unintentional links towards people/sites of an adult nature. While, on this website, I do not promote or endorse such content, just be aware that you view such content out of your own accord. I have nothing to do with you viewing big tittays.*

I am well aware that most other professional photographers have blogs out there that are upbeat and selling products. “View my book. Read this tutorial. How to take a better photo etc.” But that’s not always me… Here are a few of the reasons why:

1: I may conduct myself in a professional manner when it comes to my work, but I do not photograph for a living. So I am not an industry professional and thus should be excused from future outbursts.
2: As some of you may already know, I’m a little bit of a grumpy fucker at times. I have my moods. Up and down.
3: I use this blog, when need be, to just have a little bitch or moan session. Get it out of my system. Makes me feel better.
4: It’s my party and I will cry if I want to.

Back to my story:

I follow the work of James David, as mentioned in my Heros section, quite closely. No. I do not subscribe to his/their sites. I’m not particularly interested in watching them get their freak on. It’s the behind the scenes stuff that I follow and that intrigues/inspires me. James is not a HUGE internet superpower with 100 employees and a sign on the front of the building displaying “The Bella Network”. James is… James. One man (with his partner in crime, Bryci, of course – I will be referring to both of them as a unit through out)

They have literally started from the bottom and built their empire from the ground up. One little Mac Mini PC and a 22″ monitor. That’s it as far as real gadgets go. And from there… All that was done was some serious hard work. And more work. Then when you thought they were over worked… They worked some more. Now, a few short years later (I think I was made aware of them around… 2010 maybe??? So I have only been following them for only the last few years) reaping the benefits. Living the dream. Working for themselves. Bliss…

“Blah blah blah… WTF are you talking and blabbering about?” Well… I’m having a bit of a softy moment, after having a pretty good weekend and also today off work, I’m back to the grind tomorrow. And also, I am on standby duty all of this coming weekend. Which I FUCKING hate with an absolute passion. It’s like working 13 full days, none stop. On the weekend, it’s worse. I am available for work (on call) from 5pm on Friday afternoon, to 9am Monday morning. If my work phone rings any time during that 64 hour period, I have to get up, get dressed, get in my van and drive to where ever the hell the job is (5 minutes to over an hours travel) to repair some stupid fucking supermarket item.

“But you get paid for it. What’s the big deal?” The big deal is that I would rather be doing something else with my time. The big deal is that I would like to have the choice. “Do you want to go on the call out rota?” Instead it comes with the job. It’s part of the industry. Bank holidays,  Xmas, New Years, birthdays… Whenever. If your name falls on that particular shift on the rota, you’re on call. Your life gets put on hold. I have become the kind of guy where money does not matter as much to me as time. I would rather give up the opportunity of working an entire weekend on call, potentially getting called out at 1am to god-knows-where for god-knows-what, and have the choice of going out with my camera or even better, spending time with my wife. PLUS… it doesn’t end there. The current rota works out to be 1 in 4. Which means, for 1 weekend a month and also one work week a month, I have to be on call. That’s a full 7 days a out of 4 weeks where I am “selling” my time, against my will.

“Why not quit? Why not do something else?” It would be amazing if it was that easy. But, due to some commitments and ideas that my wife and I want to pursue with our lives before settling down, this job/trade is what I have to do. That doesn’t mean I have to enjoy it. I can bitch and moan about it all day and every day.

“What’s the whole point of mentioning James?” Lately James has relaunched his blog, after it had to be taken down for undisclosed reasons. But he’s been hitting a few spots close to home. His latest few blogs “A Simple Life” and “Just Start” just got me worked up on a few of my own life’s issues. There are so many things I want to do with my life still and so many things I want to accomplish, but keep making excuses and feel so restricted due to my full time job. Here’s a typical day in my life:

• 6:30 – 8:00 am — Fail miserably to wake up to start work early so I can finish early. (I am NOT a morning person)
• 8:00 am — Get up. Dressed. Coffee and breakfast if there is time.
• 8:30 am — Get in my van and start my work day.
• 5:30 – 8:00pm — Get home, depending on traffic (Also depends on what time I start in the morning. I have to give them around 9 hours per day)
• 5:30 – 8:00pm — If I am at home, usually it’s a few chores and maybe relaxing a little before my wife gets home (She works a 60 hour week/12 hours per day)
• 8:00 – 9:30pm — Depending when my wife gets home, she preps dinner and I catch up with her about the day. We have dinner and watch some tv.
• 9:30- 12:00am — Shower. Prep for next day. Spend time with wife who is usually in bed by 10:30 as she rises at 5am for her job. Fuck around on PC. Edit photos. Too tired to remain too motivated for too long.
• 12:00 – 1:00am — Try fall asleep
• 1:00 – 5:00am — Restless sleep.
• 5:00 – 6:00am — Awake partially as wife crash, booms, bangs, makes a racket while prepping for her walk to the train station for her train into work.
• 6:00 – 6:30am — Fall into dead sleep.
• 6:30 – 8:00am — Repeat day 2.

You may have noticed I have not even tried to lie about going to gym or getting some kind of squash game or exercise put into that schedule.

So without making too many feel sorry for myself excuses… When do I find the time to take over the world? I’ve tried very late nights when I was teaching myself PHP and MySQL. Red Bull. Coffee. Up till 3 or 4am. Sometimes my wife would tap me on the shoulder and ask; “Do you know what time it is?” To which I would respond… “Uhm. No.” Her answer would be usually; “It’s 5am. I’m getting up for work and you have been up all night.” It was making my day time job too dangerous as I wasn’t completely awake and I deal with electricity among other potentially hazardous components.

Aaaah… The good old days (3 or 4 years ago) I ended up literally burning myself out. And it kind of relates to now, where I am finding it really difficult to find the time and especially the motivation to put all my bright spark ideas into action. I want to start shooting content for webmasters, to sell, so that they can post it on their sites. I’m in the middle of creating a website cart system to have a place to sell that content. I want to finally finish off this website. I have some new 300w strobes and light modifiers I want to try/test out. I still have over a thousand images to fully edit, for the above mentioned content sales site. I just feel that sometimes, I need a break. Just for something to go in my favor and give me that push I need to get over this hump.

Anyway… That’s currently just the life that I lead I guess. Just wish I had the strength and character to make the changes I wish I could.

• Get back into shape
• Finish all my projects
• Be a happier schmuck
• Have more free time with my wife
• All while still maintaining our current standard of living

Is that too much to ask?